Right now, my anxiety levels are super high. I haven't been sleeping, am on edge, and seem to be having headaches all the time. Migraines at least once or twice a week, and I have noticed that my OCD has kicked in to overdrive. My hands are dry and raw, even bleeding in some areas, because I wash them probably over a hundred times a day. Not exaggerating. I counted the other day by marking a piece of paper by the sink until I hit 66 at 4 p.m. and got so angry about it that I cried and threw the paper away. I use the moisturizing foaming handsoap from bath and body works (husband is puzzled why I buy it in bulk, but I am going through a bottle about every two weeks and I am rarely home during the week!) but my cuticles are still ragged and my nails peeling. I started to wear cleaning gloves around the house for a few days until I saw an episode of "Obsessed" where a girl had my same issue and they decided wearing gloves all the time was the breaking point for an intervention. Sigh. She also, like me, had to wash her hands every time she came in the house from going outside, every time she touched food, and after washing dishes. I just don't see how that's an issue, I really don't. Some of my problems I identify as being "problems" but I don't think washing my hands after being outside,doing dishes, touching food, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup (before and after), or directly before I eat is something that classifies me as being off my rocker. To me, that's good hygiene! I also don't use the towel I dry my hands on for anything else, and it drives me INSANE that hubs will grab it and wipe down the countertop and then hang it back up. It is no longer clean when you do that, and if I dry my clean hands on a dirty towel, I now have DIRTY HANDS. GRRR. (okay, I admit, that did sound psycho, but jeez. cut me a break here,okay? He's very hard to live with.) Probably the most significant and easily identifiable aspect of my problem is that I pick at my skin, particularly blemishes on my face. Even 2 y/o Gabe notices my "boo-boos" and it really embarrasses me. Still, in times of stress my skin will break out, and then I will claw at the pimples, put harsh chemicals on them to dry it up, cause my sensitive skin to break out even more, and then have open sores on my freakin' face. I've even caught myself doing it at night, subconsciously. I hate it,I really do. After each time I vow that next time I'll leave it alone, but then something pops up, and I *have* to dig it out, to win over it and destroy it. If I weren't obese, I'd be a perfectionist, I swear! My weight is my one failure, and it's kind of my safety net. If I ever lost 100 lbs, then I could really strive to be perfect, and I'd be in a world of trouble. Thankfully, I have an injury that makes it hard to exercise and keeps me huge, because it'd be a wrap if my messed up mind actually thought it could achieve perfection!
Anyway, that was a long tangent there; back to my heading/title sentence. I am stressed out about this whole law school thing, and whether or not it is wise to uproot my family and move off to school where I could flunk out, or even worse, graduate with a lot of debt and no job prospects. I keep reading how hard it is out there for lawyers, and how if you aren't smart enough for a tier one school (Harvard, Yale, Columbia) then you shouldn't even bother. I'm not even smart enough for Tier two! (Vanderbilt, Duke) With a 3.5 UGPA and 154 LSAT score, I am looking at Tier three and four. Should I even bother? I've wanted to be a criminal prosecutor since I can remember, but I know any lawyer working in the public sector makes little money and deals with a lot of stress. Lawyers are also more likely to commit suicide, become alcoholics (30 percent of lawyers are alcoholics compared to less than ten percent of regular population) and have failed marriages and families. They are more likely to struggle with OCD and anxiety as well as depression, and I already deal with all of those, so what chance do I have?? Then again, I wonder if it is more of a correlation does not equal causation type thing, since all of these things are characteristics of type A personalities, and type As are more likely to enter into the law or medical professions. (see, I'm putting my psychology/ sociology minors to use!) Gah. I know I over analyze, but my brain is always GOING. That's why, when a friend invited me to meditation classes, I had to decline even though it'd be good for me. My brain does not give me a moment of peace; I've tried to "ohmmm!" before numerous times with no success. I can't shut off. I sit there, when I am supposed to clear my mind, thinking of all the things I should be doing now instead of wasting time sitting on my ass with my eyes closed. (coincidentally, I have been known to review law statutes during sex...wtf is wrong with me?) This is why, at one this morning I was up scrubbing my hard wood floors instead of sleeping. I made the mistake of researching law stuff and reading crap about lawyers online and got too stressed to sleep. When that happens, I either give in to the stress and drive myself crazy or compulse and clean something. My usual target is my kitchen (oven, in particular) but lately it has been the floors. So while you all slept, I was sweeping, steam mopping the downstairs hardwood, then polishing the floors with a sponge and Orange Glo, then hand washing, and finally taking the dustbuster to the edges of the floor and the floorboards. I crawled back into bed at 4 a.m. and slept until 7, upon which I woke up to feeling like my skin was crawling and hopped into the shower. Then I re-dressed and hopped back into bed until 11, when the dogs started howling and demanding to be released. And then, icing on the psycho cake, I washed their bedding for the third morning in a row (it smelled like dog. I'm crazy) and proceeded to steam mop their floor, vacuum and polish. They just watch me; I think they know I am crazy and neurotic! I take medication and I have therapy sessions; I can only imagine how I'd be if my mother hadn't sensed the crazy when I was 13 and got me help. It's weird though, because when most people think OCD and anxiety, they think of the character Monk and his super duper clean home. Yes, my home is always tidy, but it is never clean (at least not to my standards and most ppl's) There is too much clutter, my baseboards,floor, and some furniture always seem to have cat hairs on them no matter how often I dust, my shower has badly discolored sealant/water stripping (it was molded but I killed the mold. Hubs needs to replace that stripping..) My carpets have stains (to be fair, they were there when we moved in) and I am always paranoid that it smells like animal. We have 4 dogs and 2 cats, so its a valid fear! I'd never advise anyone to eat off of my floors; at Monk's house you could eat off the toilet! I also am pretty carefree with my appearance (or so it seems. I spend a lot of time making it look like I'm not wearing make up) and totally free with the kids getting themselves or me messy. I try not to pass on the neuroses, and I'd like to think I hide it well. Ask anyone who thinks they know me, even my closest friends and most of my family. Unless you talk to my parents, younger brother, or husband, everyone thinks I've got it all together. Many of my friends envy me and think I've got the perfect life. And, I have a pretty good life, but for people like me, pretty good isn't good enough. There's hidden torment below the surface, and I can't be complacent or satisfied. It really, really sucks. If I had health insurance I'd probably ask to be re-evaluated and try a different medication; it feels like i am barely holding it together lately. Not dangerously so, but just not *normal*, whatever that is. I think I'll feel better next year, when decisions have been made and I have a plan. I'm a planner, and I need to plan out every aspect of life. This not knowing is driving me crazy!!!!
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