Dear Summer,

Where did you go? Did I really sleep through the whole break? 'Cuz law school training starts this Monday...and I'm not ready to start getting up in the MORNING again. 

see? I suck with this whole journaling thing....

I may have commitment issues. I just never find the time to write, even though I once wanted to be an author. I think it's probably because my life is boring and I wouldn't want to read my rambles ;) LOL. Anyway, several things have happened in the last five months or so: I accepted a scholarship to William H. Bowen School of Law, quit my job (!!!!), and moved to a little suburb outside of Little Rock,AR. YAY! Now I have the summer off and sleep late everyday. Living the dream,baby. 'Cept now I have just a few friends and no real daily interactions with people. boo. Never thought I was a people person until I found myself painting my dog's nails and taking her to a dog park to find people to talk to! I have obsessively cleaned my house, done laundry, and annoyed my pets. On a daily basis. It's sad when dogs put themselves to bed to avoid being with you! I'm doing some reading,too, which is nice. I know I won't be reading for leisure once school starts up! BTW, there is a freaking' harry potter book on my suggested reading list....for law school....wtf? Beginning to wonder about that scholarship!

Black Swan...

Last weekend I saw "Black Swan" with a friend and was blown away with craziness of it all  and how well it captured the descent into madness that the main character experienced during her quest for perfection. My friend enjoyed the movie as well, but later said that she couldn't relate to Nina's struggles and feelings because she had never experienced that overpowering need to be perfect. My feelings were quite the opposite; during several points in this film I became teary eyed because I had been there, struggled with that. There's a scene where Nina practices until she slips and her foot bleeds, several scenes where she scratches/picks at her skin, and her obsession with getting her part "perfect" and being perfect...man, I saw myself way too many times. Thankfully, I don't have the paranoia or hallucinations that Nina did! I don't think she realized that she was crazy until the end, and the last few scenes were pivotal to the whole movie...her wiping her tears and putting on her makeup to dance one final time (perfectly enough for a complete metamorphosis into her character) even after she realized what she had done....just wow. It could have been a better movie, but the last ten minutes or so were pure perfection. If Natalie Portman gets an Oscar for this role it will be a well deserved award, let me tell you!

Yes parents, you will mess your kids up.

First, let me preface this with a disclaimer: I love my parents, and they did an amazing job surviving my childhood and raising me to be an adult.

However, they still messed me up for life and played a big part in my neurotic-ism. I think that as parents, you have to accept the fact that you will give your child issues. The key is to make sure that those issues are relatively minor and not intentional. I am pretty sure that my parents only wanted the best for me and did not intend to turn me into a cutter by age twelve. I'm pretty sure that their insistence on perfection was meant to make me strive to be the best I could be, not to swallow over a hundred tylenol pills just to see what would happen. I am also almost certain that my parents did not mean for my ballet classes (that they insisted I continue) to turn into a lifelong hatred of food,fat, and self loathing with every meal. They did their best to make sure I always did my best and only wanted to motivate me to succeed. I led them to it with my own determination to Be Somebody Someday. I mean, how many three year olds know what they want to be when they grow up (and stick to it!) ? How many ten year olds have five and ten year plans?  I doubt many elementary students put themselves through several grueling hours of practice until they get that grand jeté prima ballerina perfect. From the start, I was impatient (born almost a month early!) demanding, and hard on myself. My parents love me,and want to help me succeed in anyway possible,even if that means riding my ass about things; to this day they still check up on me and make sure I am on track. My younger brother? Not so much. He is laid back, a solid "c" student, and deals with little parental pressure. My parents accept and love him for who he is, not who he could be. I think that's awesome, and sometimes I wish that it was the same way for me. My father has actually admitted that they realized early on that he wouldn't be their wonder-kid and that's why they push me so hard. They love him and want him to succeed but know that he isn't the Type A personality who usually is drawn to high profile careers and stressful lifestyles. My brother goes out with friends, has girls over, and gets a lot more free rein than I ever got and no one frowns at "b"'s on his report card. Yes, I am jealous, how did you know? The point is,however, that my parents mean well. Had they not been up my butt in high school, I may have ended up pregnant by 17 (like my mom) instead of earning a full tuition scholarship to the university of my choice. I may not be where I am today ( offered a dozen scholarships to various law schools, married, homeowner, gainfully employed) had I been allowed to slip up more often. I am thankful to them (and my ballet instructor,more on her later) for teaching me that "Good enough" is never good enough. I can do better; I can be better. No one is perfect, this is true, but one can strive to be as perfect as possible,right?