First off, never again will I sit with a friend while she has a baby. Jeeeee-sus! What a horrible thing to do to a person. It was twelve hours of my poor friend acting like someone had possessed her; at first, she was just in stage one and only a bit uncomfortable and whiny. I drove down to Hoptown as fast as I could, shoved her in my car, (after threatening her life if she leaked baby juice on my car seat) and raced to the hospital. We were sent up to the third floor (no wheelchair for her, either. They just made her walk!) and found an empty construction zone. We kept walking, though, until we saw a line of plastic on the floor and sawdust foot prints. Around the corner we saw a nurses station and a lone nurse sitting at the desk watching Hulu on the pc. (no word what show she was watching) We got signed in, went to a beat up room in this most Ghetto hospital, and anticipated big events and fireworks. Then we sat and waited for about eleven hours. It was very anticlimactic; I had no idea baby poppin' took so long. They gave her meds to speed up and instead, that stubborn kid went to sleep. The nurse came in and gave Rica something to help her sleep and a blanket for me and told us we should sleep, too. I wanted to go home and to my bed, but my friend was in panic mode and all alone so I got to stretch out in the "recliner" made of sweaty pleather/vinyl/linoleum that didn't even recline! I decided to go out to my car and get her suitcases (seriously, the woman had a big ol' suitcase and carryon...this ain't the hilton, and you aren't on vacation! ) and went out the front way only to discover on my way back (lugging stuff) that the doors to the main entrance lock after nine. So I had to throw it all back in the car, drive to the ER entrance, get buzzed in, go to the security counter, give them my ID (they kept it til I left this morning!) and my name. They then called the third floor to see if I was legit, and asked me if I was a police officer. WTF? I said "no" and then remembered who I had left alone upstairs. "No, but uhm,,, what'd she do? Did you call the police?????" The man told me that he hadn't and that it was a standard question (note to self: never give birth at JSMC or go there for doctorin' ever) and a security guard buzzed me through, escorted me to an elevator and told me that it only went to the second floor. There I would have to hike across the floor, get on another elevator, and ride that to the third floor where I'd be IDed and buzzed in. In short, it took me almost thirty minutes to go to the car and back. It was insane; Sherica was upset b/c she thought I had left her or that something had happened to me in the parking lot.
Anyway, we get settled in again and she conks out; meanwhile I'm in Chair of Punishment (typically reserved for those bastards that knock the laboring moms up in the first place) watching The Game Plan and then The Pacifer and looking for something to gouge my eyes out with. At quarter til 4 I decide to pull out all the blankets and pillows and make a pallet on the floor. At 0545 I get kicked in the head as the doctor makes his first appearance. "mrfbe, motherfuhhker.." I exclaim, as I rub my temple and get up. I get a smirk and then watch as her leans in to wake my friend. "I don't think that's a good idea" I say, but it's too late, and Rica is swinging at him while reaching for her knife under her pillow (chick lives in a bad neighborhood) Luckily, being a dr. at the Ghetto Hospital, he knew to step back. "Let's finish breaking your water and have this baby!" he says, with a manical grin. My friend puts her feet up in the air and he throws a sheet over them as he stabs her with a knitting needle. Like, when I saw this thing I thought he was going to knit the baby some booties, not ram it up her kiboosh. But that's what he did, and she screamed in pain and looked over at me. A murderous glint in her eyes, and the dreaded words "You did this to me!!!" My mouth dropped. "I don't have a penis!" I cry out. "No, but it was your idea to come in to the hospital tonight!" "but, I..." and them my friend's head spun around backwards and she roared at me. "Yes'm" I said meekly, and watched her spew pea soup at the doctor. Within an hour she was talking to Jesus and regretting not having an epidural. A few moments later she yelled for the doctor to come catch Caleb, and two pushes later this 6lb 10 oz ball of hair came shooting out at 0853. All in all, the doctor was in the room for about eight minutes, and when he did come in to deliver he brought in several students to watch her birth. That, to Sherica and me, is disrespectful. Why wouldn't you at least ask first if its okay to have complete strangers look at your crotch and watch something so intimate as a baby's birth? Let me tell you, I've seen slasher flicks, gory surgeries, and poo explosions, but this was the most disgusting, horrifying thing I've ever witnessed. However, he's a cutie and pix are coming. I had to drive home and take the dogs to the vet at 1030, so I bid my farewells to the little guy and exhausted mama, and said I'd be back tomorrow. With a camera!!!
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